Married at First Sight s3 e5: Loads of sex and two divorces

We’ve only just wrapped up the honeymoon and already two of our experimental couples have ended in divorce; which considering that currently one-third of every Marriage results in the ‘d’ word, meaning that the odds of you getting hitched with a complete stranger (chosen by a Channel 9 ‘expert’) is about the same as if you chose him yourself… #ArrangedMarriage

First we visit our trainwreck couple, Jess and Dave. Now, we were willing to overlook Dave’s discrepancies, like cutting his toenails in the sink, leaving Jess to drown in a rip and ignoring her and laughing at her when she revealed her bikini body insecurities, because we all know that those cheeky producers can edit the footage to create #drama, but tonight we’re certain that editing is not to blame. He’s just an a-grade douchebag.

Jess sits him down to talk about her feelings and his response is…

“I suppose to explain the way that I was on the Wedding day … You owned the Wedding day, you were confident and ever since coming to the honeymoon I feel like you haven’t been like that; And I suppose (your) insecurities have come out. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I just don’t see it going anywhere to be honest. And I think it’s better to tell you now than in a few weeks’ time.”

Basically, he’s going to end the Marriage because Jess doesn’t feel comfortable in a bikini… WTF?!

In order to try and prove to us that some of the couples ARE actually working out, we visit Keller and Nicole who are probably the cutest couple we’ve ever seen. They giggle in the spa, make out in the room and gush to the cameras about how much they like each other. Aaahhhh, young love.

Next, we head over to our hobbit-neighbours in New Zealand to get an update on our first same sex couple (!!!!!), but things are not going well. Craig wants to have sex. Andy does not. Craig walks out because ‘his needs are not being met’. Andy is upset. Divorce #2 takes place and we secretly try and get Andy’s number for our gay bestie (because, let’s face it, he’s such a catch!).

Moving on to Bella and Michael and we see them making a home together in a new apartment (courtesy of Channel 9, who is obviously rolling in the $$$). They then proceed to ruin their stylish abode by spending more money than I budget in for my Friday night champagne (ie. A lot) on crystals and salt lamps. Bella plays with tarot cards and pulls out the soulmate card, which gets the twosome so excited they decide to christen (aka get it on like rabbits) every single room of the house. Ewww. #TMI

The rest of the episode is a montage of Mark and Monica playing happy couple… Well, Mark is leaving the house in a pigsty, while Monica follows him around with a Spray N’ Wipe bottle. The relationship seems to be working, though, so who are we to judge?

Until next time…