And we’re back!
Bachie 4.0 has arrived and he’s everything a white middle class girl could dream of – blonde hair, a love of the ocean, an average job (because there’s nothing worse than a lawyer or millionaire real estate agent for heart-felt TV *ahem* we’re talking to you Bachelor Blake), a cookie-cutter family with a sad past and at least eight bulging abs (they were so mesmerising, it was hard to count them all).
Just like every other season, we open with this year’s whiter-than-white Bachelor, Richie doing ‘manly things’ like… sorry, he just took his shirt off and we got distracted.
Anywho, we’re 99% sure there was some manly sh*t going down.
Then, just to show he has a softer side, he talks about his feelings.
We’re introduced to his white Mum and white sister, who have an equally white kitchen (ahh, too much shiny laminate, we’re being blinded!!!) and hear that Richie’s dad went AWOL many years, so he was raised by his mum and sister.
Well done, producers, this is just the right amount of baggage we need to campaign for Richie to finally find happiness through true, everlasting, reality TV love!
Next, we’re taken on a quick tour of the NEW Bachie mansion – and what Channel 10 saved in rent (the rental prices in Western Sydney are a far cry from those harbour-side mansions from previous seasons), they splurged on in $2 tealight candles from The Reject Shop – those little tufts of fire are everywhere and a serious fire hazard considering all the hairspray that’s about to arrive!
After we see the sprawling palace that will house our 22 young damsels looking for lurve, the limos start arriving and we get to meet these heavily contoured, sequined and banana-powdered beauties.
Megan – The Freediver
First up, we meet West Australian beach babe, Megan who’s a triple threat – she surfs, she’s blonde and she looks like a Zoo bikini model, but without the streaky tan, plastic surgery and oodles of makeup. Basically she’s perfect – I mean, how is it possible for someone to look THAT good in a swimsuit without Photoshop?! Oh and she really wants us to know she’s a freediver (I think she manages to use it once in every sentence).
Noni – Totally Not Kosher
Noni is out looking for the second love of her life, because her first love is ‘bacon’. She LOOOVVEESS bacon so much, it’s tattooed on her ankle. She also brings Richie a bouquet of bacon roses and tells him ‘don’t go bacon my heart’ which is actually not the worst introduction on Bachie history. We like her (and bacon).
Janey – The Slightly Creepy Wannabe Princess
Janey, who’s a children’s entertainer, is the kind of girl a producer dreams of finding. She’s a grown woman who actually let the production team film her buying an ice-cream in a princess costume. When asked what she’s passionate about, Janey responds, ‘myself. And unicorns.” Gold.
Eliza – The “Songstress”
Firstly, let’s clarify that “songstress” is a term we use VERY loosely. Eliza arrives to sing Richie a love song that she’s written and automatically our cringe-factor meter goes into meltdown. And just as she finishes her tune, the chances of winning Richie’s heart go from average to non-existent. We give her four weeks max before she’s kicked out of the Bachie mansion.
Alex – The Poet Mum
Alex is a gorgeous, bubbly blonde who recites Richie a poem. She also drops that she has a son, which could be a strategic play (reference: Bachie 3.0 Sam and Snez) or it could just be she wants to let Richie know. Either way, we think she might make the final three.
Keira – The Mean Girl
Keira reminds us of that girl in high-school who had balls of steel. When you were on her good side, she was hilarious. When you were on her bad side, she was downright scary. She’s hot and she knows it, “I’m definitely a good catch’ and from the background music, she is going to be this year’s Bachelor villain! Congrats, Keira – you won’t win The Bachelor, but you’ll definitely make the journey a whole lot more fun for viewers.
Vintea – The Beeper
There’s always got to be one foul-mouthed bogan to win our hearts and make us giggle and this year, it’s Vintea who arrives asking Richie if ‘he’s sh$tt*ng himself’ before saying ‘it’s f$*king great to meet you’. She then proceeds to the cocktail party to tell the girls that ‘my tits are up to my f$*king neck’. Good job, producers!
Olena – The Supermodel
OK, so she’s not technically a supermodel, but she should be (c’mon scouters, get on this girl!). Olena is tall, Eastern European with big blue eyes and a body that Karl Lagerfeld would be sweating bullets over. Her tactic is to ‘attacked with the eye’ and the way she stares at Richie makes us confused – we’re not sure whether he should be turned on or seriously scared.
In between these ladies, we meet a few other girls, but it’s obvious Channel 10 doesn’t want us to remember them, so we’ll classify them as less important to this episode’s plot line.
Then come the roses.
Osher reveals that this season there’s a ‘game changing’ white rose and whoever has this coveted bloom will get ‘alone time’ with Richie in a private dungeon room.
Before Richie hands out the white rose, he gives a boring red one to Megan (the Freediver) and one to a girl called Tiffany that has rock-hard abs (just think of the little cross-fitting, paleo babies they could have together). Richie surprises everyone by giving the white rose to poet-Mum Megan. Is this his way of making viewers like him more?
Keira certainly thinks so, in between bitching about the other girls, she calls it ‘strategic’.
Then Keira proceeds to throw a mini tantrum chanting, ‘bed, bed, bed, bed, bed’ (which is pretty fair, because it’s probably well after midnight by this time).
During the rose ceremony, there’s serious drama as our bogan friend, Vintea decides to leave because ‘yeah, nah, this just isn’t for me. Go ‘Straya!’ – and just like that half of the comedic talent for the season is gone (NNOOO!).
Then, one of the contestants Sasha gets so hungry, she starts eating her rose (someone get her some food)!
Richie dishes out the final roses and two of the girls that we never even got to meet are leaving and we’d feel sad for them… but we don’t know their names.