MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT EP3: THE COUPLES HAVE SEX AND CLARE

Last night’s Married at First Sight had more bloodshed and bonking than an episode of Game of Thrones. As the four newlyweds jet off with a complete stranger to a foreign country, we’re reminded by the experts that this is not the start of a horror movie, because all individuals have had thorough screening and psychological testing.

Firstly, we go to Xav and Simone – the fitness-loving, carb-hating, type As who manage to spend the entirety of their airtime discussing whether they tuck the doona in or leave it out when making the bed. When they’re not deep in conversation (*cough), these two love birds are trying to create their own romantic comedy… but without the comedy. There’s a montage of them writing love notes in the sand, pashing in the ocean and some disturbing footage of Xav bench-pressing Simone. #couplegoals?

Then we see farm-boy, Mark who has managed to make every Australian female fall in love with him… except his new wife, Christie. Throughout the honeymoon, Christie gives Mark the same look that I give my partner when he does a really loud fart, but Mark is still being the eternal optimist and is certain that he can break in the ‘Great Wall of Christie’ (try rabbits, mate; they’re meant to be the trick).

After four long days, Christie still isn’t comfortable getting intimate with Mark (because, you know, it’s only been FOUR days!), but she does divulge to the cameras that she is starting to develop feelings for him.

Eventually, after Christie and Mark experience severe sunstroke, exhaustion and are doused in champagne, they make out in the pool and then play coy about their passionate night of getting down and dirty (that’s right, you can’t get anything past these quick-witted viewers #BathrobeOnTheFloor).

Next we have sweet-heart Bryce and Erin, who swears so much, she’s keeping the Channel 9 censorship team in a job. Bryce explains Erin’s dirty mouth in the way that any man who’s head-over-heels in love would “I love her dry, sarcastic sense of humour”… Bless!

Bryce gives Erin a gift and she tells him (in the nicest way possible) to “F&#* off”. Bryce and Erin have a pool pash and Erin describes the moment, “F&*# me, that was cute” – all seems perfect in paradise for these two love birds.

Finally, we have Clare (#FutureWifeyGoals) and her new hubby, Jono and things are not looking great for this blonde-haired twosome. Clare wakes up the morning after the Wedding to discover that Jono has been hiding something from her… A Southern Cross tattoo. However, despite her better judgment, she decides not to go for an annulment and give him another chance.

Then things get messy. Clare and Jono head to the Northern Territory for a honeymoon in the outback, which is where she finds out that Channel 9 have accidently Married her to a man-child. The Groom, who’s known for telling Australia that Clare was “not what he’d ordered” proceeds to pull out another doozy, saying of his honeymoon that he’s “never had so much fun with a female like this before”.

The couple are sent on a nice, romantic canoe and things are starting to look like they might work out, until Jono throws an epic tantrum because he’s scared of crocodiles. Clare tries to laugh-off the tantrum, but you can see her rose-coloured glasses are starting to crack (she wanted a husband and kids, Channel 9, not a husband-kid). Clare tells Jono to take a few deep breaths, but he’s having none of it. He storms off in a huff.