Channel 7, we applaud you. Not only did you bring us The Seven Year Switch, which was deemed as immoral and disgusting, but you made it work. After this success, we assumed you’d reached your peak of controversial reality dating shows, but no.
Last night, the network aired Kiss Bang Love which is basically one hour of watching people tongue probe each other. Seriously, there’s more drool being dropped than at a 14-year old’s birthday party after this kiddies steal some of mum and dad’s gin.
Our contestant for tonight is 28-year old Lisa who’s a bartender. Like every other potential reality TV starlet, Lisa spends her days frolicking in a bikini, walking along the sand with perfectly blow-dryed hair and drinking Chardonnay by the ocean with her equally attractive girlfriends (#feminism).
We’re warned that tonight’s episode will see Lisa blindfolded by the show’s producers before she’s asked to pash 12 guys in a row (which is the kind of thing my parents warned me against before moving out of home). She then rates each kiss out of ten and picks her top five.
After kissing half of the remaining population of single Aussie men under 40, Lisa takes off the blindfold to kiss her top five again – and actually see what they look like.
In an obvious attempt to weed out the ‘good lookers’ from those guys who have their kissing game on track but can’t seem to figure out how to wax their mono brow, Lisa is then asked to send three more guys home.
The last two guys get to go on the ‘bang’ part of the show, which is where Lisa takes them on a real date, so they can talk and do other stuff that’s important for a lasting relationship (obvs not as important as pashing, though).
After we’re explained the premise, we meet the lucky guys. The producers introduce us to the first contender, Josh, who has a jaw sharp enough to slice right through that week-old leftover pizza I’ve left sitting in the fridge.
The voiceovers warn us that Josh has the hard task of kissing Lisa first. Let’s be honest, we’re all thinking Josh is the lucky one, because doesn’t going first mean he’s least likely out of all the guys to catch a contagious mouth disease? For a viewers at home, if you see these guys on the street, Josh is your safest bet; he’s pretty much guaranteed to be clean.
Anyway, Josh is blindfolded and led to Lisa where they kiss each other for a good 15 seconds before being led to separate rooms and forced to talk about that 15-seconds of mouth action for a solid ten minutes…
We brush over the next few contestants; the sparky (electrician) who plays with kid’s magic toys in his spare time, the oily postal worker who is the sole reason that dogs all around the world get the heeby-jeebies for mailmen and a guy who enjoys the company of extension cords.
To make things more interesting, the Producers throw in a bombshell- they’ve “planted” a secret kisser; someone who Lisa actually knows outside of TV world! It’s her local plumber, Ryan who wears bicep-revealing tank tops and carries heavy equipment with one hand just to show us that he’s strong enough to plug any leak…
After a solid 30-minutes are wasted on watching the guys take turns at touching tongues with Lisa (we still can’t get over how weird and gross this seems), Lisa picks her top five, before narrowing it down to the two guys she wants to take on a date.
Spoiler alert: she’s chosen local hottie, Ryan, but just to prove she’s not shallow, she’s also chosen magician man-child and ‘first year Hogwarts’ student Jaxon.
Both dates go as you’d expect them to when you’ve chosen your Romeo by how well his mouth is lubricated.
Jason’s date involves rolling in big balls down hills (honestly, he’s gonna need some serious sorcery to make Lisa stay) and Ryan’s taken to a sushi restaurant where he struggles to use chopsticks, has no idea what Route 66 is and reveals he’s never heard of Noosa before.
Shock horror, Lisa goes for the muscly muggle over the magician and chooses to show Ryan where Noosa is by taking him there for their ‘romantic’ two-night trip.
This vacation is recapped to viewers with a few clips that could’ve come out of a late 90’s Noosa tourism commercial- Beaches, tick! Sunshine, tick! Loads of bronzed skin, tick!
It’s obvious the pair have zero chemistry and when asked whether they’ll meet up again on their return, they stutter awkwardly “we’ll catch up”.
Honestly, Lisa and Ryan, you aren’t fooling anyone.
One episode down and it seems that kissing a stranger while blindfolded might not be the secret to finding your soulmate (insert shocked gasps from every true romantic).
However, we’re not going to completely rule you out, Channel 7; lets hope the next episode is a little more promising.