Ahhhh the path to true love is never smooth and this season of Married at First Sight promises to be the rockiest yet.
In the first episode, we meet two of the four couples who’ve been expertly matched by a bunch of scientists (the producers make sure we know they’re scientists by dressing them in lab coats and filming them playing with strange potions and test tubes).
Each couple will meet for the first time at the altar before they spend the next month living together as a Married couple to see whether they stay together, break-up or end up like Clare and Jono did from last season (a relationship which makes Britney Spears circa 2007 look like a tropical holiday).
To start, we meet Monica the perfectionist. It’s obvious that the producers have decided to label Monica as ‘the perfectionist’ by the number of times she’s made to repeat the word in different contexts. For example,
“I’m definitely a perfectionist”
“I love goals”
“I love targets”
“I have high expectations”
From about 36 hours of footage, TV world has managed to turn Monica the perfectionist (who’s also probably a smart, complex and caring human) into a one-dimension stereotype.
Monica, who we find out is a 28-year old Project Manager takes her sister and mum along to watch her try on Wedding dresses. While they both make all the right facial expressions and noises (“ooohh, ahhh, gorgeous”), Monica’s sister can’t hide her horror.
Monica reveals her Prince Charming explaining, “I’m quite fussy when it comes to guys. My dream guy would be tall, dark and handsome. A little bit rugged — so think Gerard Butler.”
I don’t want to be negative Nancy, but should someone, explain to Monica that Irish blondie Gerard isn’t exactly a multi-cultural definition of ‘dark’?
Anywho, the scientists in all their wisdom have taken Monica’s love for ruggedness and given her… a comic book nerd!
To be fair, 30-year old Mark has a rig to rival Gerard and we’re given ample opportunity to make thorough comparisons as the producers seem to have confiscated his shirt for the entire day of filming. When he’s allowed to wear clothes, Mark works as a firefighter and in his spare time enjoys playing Nintendo or Playstation (one of those nerdy games with the console).
Next up, we have 26-year Keller. Keller is a former Navy engineer who lives with his mum, has a nose ring and is covered in tattoos – pretty much every girl’s dream guy.
Keller’s been matched with 28-year old primary school teacher, Nicole who looks like a doe-eyed Disney princess (seriously, how is she still single?).
Nicole tells her class of year one children that she’s getting Married and it seems like the seven-year olds are the only ones in theis entire TV show who actually think she’s crazy for getting hitched with a stranger. Their expression sums up what we’re all feeling…
Next is the Wedding.
Monica meets Mark at the altar. Sparks fly. They undress each other with their eyes and they like what they see. All goes smoothly and they’ll probably live happily ever after. Honestly, the only action is when Monica’s sister goes all FBI on Mark (and gives us serious LOLs).
Unfortunately for Nicole, her parents aren’t fond of ‘tattooed thugs’, making the ceremony awkward (but great for TV drama). Ma and Pa Nicole give us gold lines like, “There’s a lot of them over there with tattoos,” “I say ‘no’ already,” “Have we gotta give our daughter to this man?”
Nicole sees Keller’s tattoos. Pretends she is shocked by tattoos for the purpose of ‘TV drama’, but we all know she’s got a thing for the ‘bad boy’, because of her girly giggles every time he looks at her.
Keller tries to win over Ma and Pa Nicole and we’ve all but written him off – especially after the Best Man’s speech which revealed to the Wedding that Keller has a ‘special tattoo in a special spot’. Any straight-thinking Groom would dust it off and change the subject, but Keller feels the need to give us more detail, ““I have a tattoo in a very private location,” he explains. “Let’s just say my heart will beat for her if she finds my secret tattoo.”
Then, Pa Keller has a change of heart and decides he really likes the guy, ‘he’s a good boy’. Our lesson from this? Guys, if you want to impress the in-laws, all you have to do is get a wiener tattoo (kids, do not try this at home).