Just when we were thinking that Channel 9’s ‘experts’ actually knew what they were doing, we see some serious trouble in paradise – and remember that they’ve matched at least one pair just for the reality TV drama.
Wait, no… it seems that season three has just gone up another level. There are two couples bound for heartbreak! Give those experts a raise!
Tonight, we are taken along on the honeymoons of the five couples and it feels just as creepy as it sounds (with cameramen positioned strategically behind bushes while they newlyweds hump each other in public).
First we head to Byron Bay with Jess and Dave. Now we’ve had our doubts about Dave ever since he said the 2016 version of Jono’s ‘she’s not what I ordered’ when Jess was walking down the aisle, but tonight, our greatest fears are realised. He’s a douche.
The warning sign came when he refused to join in on Jess’ car karaoke to the Backstreet Boys, but then things escalated quickly.
The twosome visit a ‘Zen Clinic’ where Dave makes it obvious he’d rather be anywhere else.
“What the f*ck is going on there? Yeah it’s f*ckin weird. F*ckin Jesus,” he groans, “this is f*cked.”
They then head off to the beach for a surfing lessons and Dave accidently (but on purpose) leaves Jess in the middle of the ocean in a rip. His excuse? He “just actually forgot about her.”
What a catch! Seriously, Dave, if things don’t work out with you and Jess, I’m sure you’ll be in the running for Cleo’s Bachelor of the Year.
Jess remains as composed as any gal’ can be after almost dying, “I was kinda just left in the ocean to struggle with my board and the current to try and get back to where they were. I got dumped three times and my husband abandoned me in the ocean and walked off with our instructor.”
We’re calling it. Jess and Dave will be first to go their separate ways.
Next, we head over to the land of Kiwis, hobbits and the Zorb ball and see how Andy and Craig are going. Channel 9 have a drinking game going to see how many times they can remind us that these two are their first ever same sex couple (how progressive, so forward thinking!!).
The biggest hurdle with this pair is that Craig is obsessed with Andy, but Andy isn’t a fan of Craig’s constant butt grabs and canoodling.
So, Craig does what any self-respecting man would do and storms out of the villa in a huff.
Strike two, experts!
The rest of the episode is filled with drama. Jokes. All we see is the couples making out and talking about #feelings while the audio guys play high-tension music to try and make it sound thrilling.
Mark and Monica are getting hot and heavy on a paddle-board.
Nicole and Keller are pashing underwater.
Bella and Dave are seriously in contention for becoming Australia’s cutest couple.
Until next time, Fairies…