‘She’s not what I ordered’
Last night, we witnessed the final two couples of this season’s Married at First Sight meet at the altar to say their ‘I Dos’ and it wasn’t without drama.
First up, we met Xavier and Simone. 26-year old Xavier is an ex-football player who loves taking his clothes off, but hates it when people judge him for his good looks, hard six pack, bulging biceps and cute boy-band haircut – especially because he has such a great… brain.
Xav (we’re already on a nickname basis with this hottie debonair intellect) has been matched with 29-year old Simone who’s a gorgeous brunette makeup artist and was cheated on by her partner of three-years (WTF was he thinking; she’s perfect!).
Anywho, her douche canoe ex-boyfriend’s loss is Xav’s gain, because he’s also been cheated on. So, you know, they already have a ton in common.
The next “lucky” couple are Jono and Clare.
Jono is supposedly a 28-year old tradie, but we’re seriously questioning whether he’s really just an actor thrown in to play the role of a stereotypical Aussie male. He spends too much time with ‘the boys’ and all his money goes towards beer. He’s having a mini mid-life crisis and is under the belief that by the age of 30, he should be spending his money on broccolini, his ‘castle’ and a housewife (OK, we made the last one up).
Our wonderful experts who are controlling this slightly less bloody version of The Hunger Games are matching Jono with a strong woman… Enter Clare.
Clare is basically #SingleLadyGoals. She’s already made headlines for beating up some guy who tried to attack her on the street and has also spoken out about her disappointment that the program doesn’t have any gay couples Marrying at first sight (not for her personally, but for equality, guys).
Within the first 10 minutes of air-time, Clare has already tripped over multiple times on camera, told us that she loves boxing and then takes her life-jacket wearing French Bulldog on a paddleboard. Swoon!
Both Xav and Simone are super nervous about their upcoming nuptials (even more so than regular couples, because they don’t actually know who they’ll be Marrying). However, as soon as Simone walks down the aisle, Xav practically turns into a giggling schoolgirl and tells us that ‘I think she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met in my life’.
Simone also quite likes Xav, but isn’t being too OTT (that’s right gf, hold those cards close to your chest).
They both say ‘I Do’ and during their post-Wedding photoshoot have a sneaky pash.
If only Simone could pronounce his name (it’s Zay-vier, not Ex-avier babes).
Next comes Clare and Jono.
Before the ceremony, Jono keeps telling us about how he wants his wife to look. It seems Romeo has some pretty high expectations when it comes to his future wifey, she needs to be ‘fit’, ‘dress well’, ‘small’ and ‘brunette’.
The fabulous Clare is unfortunately (for Jono, not everyone else), six-foot, blonde and has curves that would make a Kardashian jealous.
Clare has readied her nerves and begins to walk down the aisle.
And this, Fairies, is the exact moment when Jono becomes the most hated man in Australia.
The second he sees Clare, he actually saws ‘Aw sh*t’. He then tells the camera that ‘she’s not what I ordered’.
Can someone please tell Jono that this is a program about everlasting love and not the latest Dominoes pick-your-own-wife pizza delivery service?
Luckily for Jono, throughout the night, Clare’s flawless personality makes him soften to her (that and the fact that his mates reckon she’s a ‘cracker’).
By the end of the evening, Jono is calling Clare ‘woifey’ and ‘woman’, which we would find irritating, but Clare seems pretty OK with.
Pan back to Xav and Simone and they’re gazing into each other’s eyes and discussing things like brown rice, meal prepping, the gym and organisation.
So, it looks like we have two happy newlyweds. Thanks science!