It’s been six-days since these eight newlyweds met and already we’ve got some major drama. This episode follows the couples as they return from their honeymoons and move in with each other.

Firstly we go to heartthrob Mark who lives on a Victorian farm and his new wifey, Christie. Christie gallantly packs her bags, leaves behind her morning almond milk lattes (#sacrifices) and drives for six hours to Mark’s farm.

We follow Mark as he tries to prepare his home for his new Bride by fluffing cushions and straightening sheets, but what we’re seriously concerned about is the S&M machine that’s strategically placed by his bedside (run, Christie, run!).

We all know this relationship is not going to last, but we’re enjoying the ride.

Christie arrives wearing the stereotypical farm outfit of cowboy boots and a flanno and proceeds to tell us that Mark’s farm is like ‘going back in time’ and reminds her of her old school (so, she’s probably not going to apply for next season’s Farmer Wants a Wife).

Mark tells Christie that he’s missed her, Christie ignores him and because there’s nothing else to do (#farmlife), she decides to stick a candle in Mark’s ear and light it. Mark obviously interprets this as romantic (hey, we’ve seen your S&M room buddy), so he nails a piece of paper to a tree with a love-heart around her name in response.


Next, we move on to the type-A lovebirds, Xav and Simone. Xavier is cleaning his already impeccable apartment and tells us that he hasn’t lived with anyone for a really long time; which is mind-blowing because rental prices in the CBD are ridiculous (tell us how you REALLY make your money, Xavier).

The first issue arises when Simone realises that Xav’s apartment is so free from unnecessary clutter that’s he’s removed all excess storage space… meaning she has nowhere to put her clothes. The second issue arises when ‘routine-obsessed’, ‘wake-up at 5am for the gym’, ‘never drink alcohol’ Simone sleeps in, drinks red wine nightly and appears to wander aimlessly around the house (#wifeygoals).

Meanwhile Xav gets up super early to style his hair and do bicep curls.

In conclusion, Simone is annoyed that all Xavier does is stick to a routine of gym, work and tv, while she wants to change things up (Simone – not sure if you’ve read the definition of ‘routine’, but click here to get a refresher).

Onto Erin and Bryce. I have a gut-feeling these two will last the distance, simply because they’re so boring and happy together, that Channel 9 are giving them minimal airtime.

Erin is moving out of her Mum and Dad’s house for the first time ever and she’s playing the whole thing pretty cool.

She learns to go food shopping (“I’ve never shopped for food before”), cook lasagne (after she figures out what basil is) and meets up with girlfriends for mid-morning coffee (umm do you not have a job!?). Then her and Bryce hang out and takes selfies.

Finally, we move onto Clare and Jono. Now, Jono’s given us mixed feelings about him from the start (remember the “she’s not what I ordered” comment and the honeymoon tantrums?), but we’re willing to give him another chance.

Tonight, he’s moving into Clare’s Melbourne apartment and Clare’s purchased him a very sweet welcome gift!


Before Jono’s arrival, Clare talks to her French Bulldog, Dutchy to prepare him for his new flatmate and manages to show-off a glamour photoshoot that’s she’s done with a previous dog.


We finally feel like we’re starting to like Jono, until he informs us that he only brushes his teeth once a day… in the morning!

He then goes on to watch Frozen and discuss the script from Happy Feet.

On day 13 of the Marriage, Clare and Jono aren’t looking like they’ll last the distance, so Clare suggests a visit to the beach for a picnic (what could go wrong?). They fight about Jono’s constant tantrum throwing and in response, he throws another tantrum, before storming down the beach (FYI: it’s really difficult to storm off when you’re walking on sand and wearing super tight short-shorts).

Clare arrives home by herself and realises Jono has packed his bags and left, leaving us to think that this might be the first break-up of the season!

Posted in Celebrity, Culture, Reality TV by wedded wonderland

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