It’s Monday and yes, we know it sucks.
No one wants to be back at work, and we don’t blame you, but we thought we might have a way to cheer you all up just a little bit. You see, although most people were busy worrying about the drama that is Australian politics, we were too busy falling in love with the Honey Badger.
We get it, Nick Cummins might not be everyone’s cup of tea. Some of us out there just can’t make do with that mop of curls and the hairy slug on his upper lip, but you can’t deny that he seems like the most wonderful guy out there. After just the second week of the Bachelor, we’re one bogan phrase away from falling head over heels for that wonderful man.
So in case you were too focused on politics and you missed last week’s two episodes, we’re here to give you a quick* rundown of everything that went down on The Bachelor. Get comfy Fairies, because they were bloody good episodes.
*We make no promises.
The start of this episode was pretty boring, not going to lie. Strong contender Brittany had her solo date with Nick and it started off with them playing some weird version of golf. We all know that was just a perfect excuse to get all touchy, and boy did it work because the date ended with a dip in the pool, where things got pretty steamy. It was a much better example of the mess that was Romy’s apparent ‘first kiss.’ We get chills just thinking about that…
We won’t leave you on that horrid image though, because next up was our fav Brooke, who used her key to the Bach pad to surprise Nick with some breakfast in bed. The two then played a bit of footy, where this total babe actually tackled Nick straight to the ground. It was marvellous in every way.
As if our hearts weren’t already soaring, Brooke pulled off a pretty ballsy move and went in for the kiss. Unlike the Romy situation where Nick tried to shut the whole situation down, you can bet that he gave it straight back to Brooke. We swear that at that moment, our hearts sang the songs of the angels and we fell in love with that beautiful woman. If Brooke doesn’t win Nick’s heart, she can certainly take ours.
Before we let you know which unfortunate souls left without a rose, let us first take a moment to talk about the wonder that is Vanessa Sunshine. By some twist of fate, Vanessa Sunshine managed to win the group date to score herself some alone time with Nick. Let’s just say it didn’t go too well. She didn’t really talk, didn’t smile, and managed to tell Nick that she didn’t really get Dad jokes. It was awkward, but that’s what made it so enjoyable.
The cocktail party saw a lot of juicy drama (we enjoyed it way too much), poor old Cass reading out her diary to Nick (it was gruesome and you could see the horror on his face), and our hot Russian, Dasha, tell Nick that she has a five-year-old son. As for the ladies that left that night, you can say goodbye to Christina, Kayla (see: the girl who jumped into the pool), and Cayla, but of course, not without a little bit of drama.
Just before Cayla left, she took Nick to the side and let him in on the house drama. In an incredible move, she let spill on the bitchiness of Cat and Romy and tried to warn Nick of their false intentions. Unfortunately, though, boys are dumb and Nick didn’t get the memo, but we’ll get to that in a bit.
The episode started with Dasha scoring herself a solo date. The two went fishing and wore these horrendous suits that Dasha somehow managed to look incredible in, which is totally unfair. The date was boring to watch, not gonna lie, but he did speak a bit of Russian when he offered her the rose, which was all sorts of cute.
There was a group date which was involved a version of dodgeball, but with bows and arrows instead (why can’t they play sports normally?), and the highlight was seeing Nick get hit in the nuts, and our blessed angel Brooke making an incredible sprint across the field to ‘free’ her teammates without getting hit. What a legend.
Remember how we said Nick didn’t get Cayla’s warning? Well, the bloke decided to award Cat as the winner of the group date, for being the fairest player. It’s the most ridiculous thing we’ve heard because she was very clearly in it to win it for her own personal gain. But like we said, boys are dumb, and they just don’t understand girls.
The date was absolutely horrid. Cat thought she could feel the sexual chemistry, despite the fact that she only spent her time plugging her brand, and then decided she could go in for a kiss. Nick clearly wasn’t feeling it and gave her a peck on the cheek that looked kind of like the kiss your Aunt would give you. It was probably more awkward than his date with Vanessa Sunshine.
At the cocktail party, Cass almost went into cardiac arrest because she didn’t get to speak to Nick. She watched him like a hawk when he spoke to anyone else and honestly, this is getting tiring to watch. When will she leave already?!
The two ladies to leave the house were Aleksandra and Steph, and just when you thought the episode ended on a mild note, Steph pulled the greatest move in television history. She simply looked Nick in the eyes and said,
before walking away with a very sour look on her face. It was magnificent.
And that’s everything you missed on the Bachelor.
Written by Hanan Merheb
Cover photo by @thebachelorau