59 Thoughts We Had While Watching Married At First Sight Episode 1

Married At First Sight is officially in full swing and we, of course, were glued to our screens for all the love, laughter, and cringeworthy moments which are inevitable when two perfect strangers are asked to blindly step into a relationship.

The first episode introduced us to our first four newlyweds – unpopular Dean, confident single mum Tracey, nice guy Telv, and unlucky-in-love Sarah. I don’t want to say that I’ve already chosen my favourite couple, but I’ve chosen my favourite couple and it’s not Dean and Tracey.

Images via Giphy and Channel 9

  1. This opening is really dramatic – lots of broken heart stories and beachy sunrises to symbolise new beginnings. Never fear; John Aiken is here to cure these single woes
  2. “20 per cent of population use apps to find love.” – Does UberEats count?
  3. It takes me 8 weeks to get a text back.
  4. “Never before seen scandal rocks the experiment to its core.” – Did they say that last year?
  5. We all know they film these ceremony scenes like 5 times, right? I read about it last year.
  6. Sarah, beauty specialist, 38. Describes herself as “boglam.” – At least she owns it.
  7. Okay, Sarah’s sad story is actually sad and I’m already rooting for her to get a nice guy.
  8. Melissa: “Okay, I think the main point there is ‘man’, not ‘boy.’ She’s need a man.” – AMEN. Can Melissa matchmake us all?
  9. Telv, 33. Tradie. Proud Aboriginal man. Wants to work hard so that his future kids have all the things he didn’t have – I’m getting a good feeling about this one.
  10. Dean, stubborn alpha male, 39. We’ve all been waiting for this guy to keep sticking his foot in his mouth.
  11. Runs a social and digital marketing agency, but doesn’t know how to sell himself.
  12. “I’m the man; I need to be in charge.” – Who let the caveman on the show?
  13. Have to admit, I was sympathetic when he was crying about his mum’s passing.
  14. Tracey; old fashioned, likes to look after her man. Was married and has a daughter – Well, the Experts picked an obvious one at least.
  15. The lace sleeve dress looks much better than the sleeveless one, Tracey. Take it and run.
  16. Sarah’s family dinner scene is a little too staged but I’m still waiting for the drama. Let’s not act like everyone at that table doesn’t already know the announcement.
  17. Sarah’s protective brothers, Ben and Adam, are really bad at trying to look serious. As are the other guests.
  18. Why is everyone smiling so much? Why is there no one else in the restaurant? Where is the drama I was promised?
  19. “We’re wogs, we will go after them.” Okay Adam, but why wasn’t there an angry table flipping or shouting match?
  20. Stop crying, Tracey, she’s trying to fix your makeup.
  21. I need to know if MAFS will show Tracey’s daughter. They keep mentioning her and I keep expecting a montage of the two playing in the backyard, but then nothing.
  22. Dean and his L.A. best friend look too similar. If they swapped hair colours, they could trade places.
  23. The shot of Sarah on the couch in her bridal robe and staring out the window is heartbreaking. WHERE ARE HER FRIENDS?
  24. Are the men on this show contractually obligated to only wear suits in different shades of blue?
  25. Tracey looks amazing in that dress. So happy she chose the one with the sleeves.
  26. The deconstructed chapel for Tracey and Dean’s wedding is gorgeous. I’m suddenly getting ideas.
  27. Are all of Tracey’s girlfriends blonde?
  28. “He’s a giant.” – Don’t feed his ego.
  29. Dean, after first seeing Tracey: “She’s got a good body, tall but not too tall, really good rear, big eyes, big lips, good smile.” I can’t be the only one who thinks Dean is seedy?
  30. “Not gonna lie, definitely kept looking down at her chestal area – it’s an added bonus. I couldn’t help it, I’m a man, it’s just natural.” WHO EVEN USES THE WORD ‘CHESTAL’, YOU CAVEMAN.
  31. His hand is hovering way too low during that kiss. Her family is right there, mate.
  32. Is Sarah wearing fishnets as sleeves?
  33. Don’t cry, Sarah, you’re not a waste of time!
  34. One of her guests looks like Donatella Versace and I’m so ready for this.
  35. Telv seems like a sweetheart. Please don’t turn out like Dean.
  36. Sarah’s hair is always so perfect.
  37. In case you didn’t hear that the first three times, Excited Girl In Black Gown (EGIBG) said, “He looks really nervous.”
  38. The guy in the red bowtie is so on edge and nervous in comparison to EGIBG. Can we focus on these two for the rest of the scene?
  39. Sarah’s “hi” was so adorable. I’ve already found my favourite couple.
  40. “That means he likes her.” – Somebody give Red Bowtie and EGIBG a show!
  41. Telv lives where Sarah’s parents are from. Alright, Experts, you’ve done well.
  42. Telv and Sarah 4ever.
  43. That was a far more innocent kiss than Dean and Tracey’s. Telv probably senses Ben and Adam on the defence.
  44. “Oh, my god, I like him, I like him, I like him, yeah, I like him.” – Red Bowtie and EGIBG really like repetition.
  45. Sarah and Telv’s photo shoot is adorably awkward.
  46. Dean and his wandering hand are grossing me out – Tracey seems to think he’s a gentleman though.
  47. Did he actually just say it’s not a woman’s natural way to take charge? IN THE BIN.
  48. Tracey’s bridesmaids have figured out that L.A Guy is seedy. It might have been the “I’m shallow” comment or 90% of the word vomit coming out of his mouth.
  49. “I’m texting him right now to go tell him to run.” – Both Dean and L.A. Guy are really proving themselves to be major catches.
  50. Of course Red Bowtie is the Emcee. Add in EGIBG and make it into a variety hour like Sonny and Cher.
  51. John Aiken is just here for dramatic interjections.
  52. Telv went to talk to Ben and Adam and the awkward silence is painful. SOMEBODY SPEAK.
  53. Is L.A. Guy seriously lurking around, waiting to drop the bombshell while dramatic music plays? We’ve found our Machiavellian villain.
  54. L.A. Guy looks like seedy talk show host. We get it, you live in L.A.
  55. Stop lurking around while they’re dancing.
  56. Sarah is great at double entendres.
  57. Ben and Adam approved of this marriage way too fast for self-described “wog boys.” Where was the drama? Where was the Mafia-style threat?
  58. If Dean wants kids so much, why is he freaking out about Tracey already having one?
  59. Dean is an unfortunate cross between a caveman and a hormonal teenage boy. Keep your jeans on.

Posted in Celebrity, Reality TV by wedded wonderland

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