Whether you’ve just found out that you’re pregnant or you’re a week past your due date and just want this child out, you’re definitely drowning in a whirlpool of emotions that no one else around you seems to understand. Luckily for you, the Internet exists, and all the women before you who have gone through the same thing are only a click away.
Take comfort in knowing you’ve got a ton of experience to learn from, so here are all the thoughts that accurately describe the next nine months of pregnancy. Congratulations, and well, good luck!
The first month of your pregnancy will most likely go by unnoticed. At this point, you’re either blissfully unaware or anxiously waiting for your period to not show up for its monthly visits. Whether or not you’re hoping for the positive test, you’re about to find out very soon.
“Shit… I did not calculate my month well.”
“There go my Friday night drinks.”
“My boobs are SO tender, just looking at them hurts.”
“Are six tests enough? Should I do some more?”
“Wherever I fall, I will sleep. I am exhausted.”
You’ve just peed on a stick, and those two lines have popped up. You’re freaking out and frantically scrolling through every pregnancy blog to figure out how to calm your nerves the heck down. It’s fine; it’s cool. There isn’t a weird alien growing inside your uterus; it’s just a baby. You’ve got this.
Pinterest is your new best friend if you’re all about getting creative when breaking the news to your man. So get excited about what’s to come, and we’d totally get it if you’re already walking around with your hand cradling your invisible 5-week bump.
“When will I stop throwing up?”
“I thought I’d have a pregnancy glow. Nope, it’s just sweat.”
“Who invented maternity stretch bands. I don’t even think they knew how to put them on.”
“Why is every single maternity bra so unbelievably ugly?”
“Will I fit into all my old clothes after I give birth. Some of those are designer.”
You’re almost ending your first trimester now and your body is about to experience a lot of changes. Be prepared for a thickening waist and stretch marks that will be creeping up on your skin. On the bright side, your hair and nails will probably start growing more quickly, so say hello to long, thick hair.
“Sweatpants all day, every day.”
“How on earth did my nipples get this big?”
“I am all for this amazing skin. #vitaminsforever”
“Is that facial hair? How did it get that long?”
At this point, it’d be a good time to start letting friends and family know that you’re expecting. Cue all the tears and excited cheers, because the spotlight is going to be all on you now. Maternity clothes will be a serious need, so start looking for some options that you’ll love.
Bless those vitamins you’re taking, because they’re the mastermind behind your gorgeous skin. There’s a downside though; hair growth is going to be a serious problem, and you might have a few uninvited guests popping up on your face. While laser hair removal should be avoided, you can always rely on waxing, threading, and shaving.
“My boobs have never looked better.”
“How can my feet swell up this much?”
“I threw up out of my car window. Is cleaning it the same as cleaning bird poop?”
“I should start playing good music now, so my baby will have good taste from Day 1.”
Pregnancy is never the same for everyone. Some might get super lucky and look amazing (we’re talking bigger breasts and glowing skin), while others might still be suffering from morning sickness. Top tip, keep vomit bags in your car. You’ll never know when you might need them.
Also, at five months, your baby can start to hear sounds. As well as your heartbeat, they can hear any music you play, and even the sound of your voice. This is where talking to yourself can totally be excused for talking to your bub. No one will suspect a thing.
“Don’t even talk to me about sex right now.”
“If you even look at me funny, I will cry.”
“How many baby rompers are too much?”
“I am definitely not changing my mind on this baby name. It’s definitely the one.”
You’re getting so much closer now, and things are starting to get real. Go to town at all the baby shops and don’t even hold back when it comes to those cute little baby onesies. Honestly, just looking at those is enough to make us want a baby right now.
When it comes to baby names, things can always get stressful, but trust us, don’t think you’ve settled on the one. You might change your mind the minute you see your baby, so definitely don’t go printing a name you think you like on every possible item. Please, don’t do it.
Finally, unless you’re one of the rare ones, your libido will be practically non-existent. This, topped with your unpredictably wild emotions will be an interesting combination. We’d say good luck to your man, but he isn’t stressing about how he’ll be pushing out this baby, is he?
“Is it even possible to get bigger than this?”
“Why is my husband not as invested in this gender reveal party as I am?”
“Gosh, I really hate my husband right now.”
“I was OK with the fat feet, but my hands? Why the hands?”
“I know this pram doesn’t fit in my boot, but it looks so pretty. Logic does not matter here.”
Your husband might be your worst enemy right now, and honestly, we don’t blame you. This is, after all, his fault.
Now, you still might be growing, so don’t think the weight gain period is over. It really isn’t, but that’s OK because you’re getting closer to the end date! Don’t forget to prepare all your baby needs, like your pram, bassinet and car seat. The only thing you need to know when buying a pram is to make sure it fits in your car boot. After that, go wild, sister.
“The baby room needs to be changed again. The cot needs to be in the other corner.”
“I’m so ready for an all natural birth. I won’t even take any drugs.”
“C-section? Me? Yeah, right.”
“Wow, my water might break at any moment.”
You’re in your eighth month, so we need to start talking seriously. You’re going to be SO exhausted at this point, so if you haven’t already finished up your baby room, just leave it until after you’ve given birth. Your baby won’t need it straight away as they’ll be sleeping in your room for a while, so don’t stress over it.
Now, when it comes to giving birth, there are some things we need to make clear. First, you probably won’t have your water breaking all dramatically like in the movies, and if it does, you won’t need to rush off to the hospital straight away. If you’re thinking a gush of water, then think again. Only 10-15% of women actually have their water break before contractions. Otherwise, you’ll need to have it broken when you get to the hospital.
Secondly, don’t go in thinking you’ll be doing an all-natural birth. Be open to other possibilities because no one has control over what will happen, and you’ll need to be prepared.
“I’m really scared about labour, but at least my OB will be there with me every step of the way.”
“There’s no such thing as over packing when it comes to my hospital bag.”
“I’m going to look like shit post-birth. People can visit me once I’m home.”
“Breastfeeding is going to be a beautiful experience. Can’t wait to bond with my baby in that special way.”
Another thing to keep note of is that your OB won’t be with you every step of the way during labour. They might pop in for a hot minute, but then they’re out of there. It’s your midwife that’ll be with you, so get to know them a bit. They’ll be there for the long-run.
Now when it comes to breastfeeding, it’s not always as beautiful as they tend to make it out to be. For some women, it’ll be a tough experience and not at all pleasant. Bear in mind the availability of baby formula and the bottle. They just might be your saviour.
Finally, try to get the guest visits over and done with while you’re at the hospital. Who cares if you think you look terrible? Just get your hubby to grab your makeup bag so you can touch up if it really bothers you. Otherwise, having guests over while trying to manage a baby at home will be hell.
Pregnancy is not an easy journey. Heck, some might even call it traumatic, but if there is one thing you need to remember after all of this, it’s to be kind to yourself. You’ve gone through a lot; recognise that. Your body is amazing, and so are you. Go you, you wonderful mamma!
Written by Hanan Merheb